Showing posts with label Humor. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Humor. Show all posts

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Best Writings

Collected here for when I stop someday. 
Politics: 1. Voting Democrat or Republican lets you choose how you're going to be miserable 2. Like a skilled politician, I will promise you everything, and give you almost nothing. 3. <> 4. I would like to thank Washington, D.C., for making sure to collect every penny, and that it is spent wisely. 5. Looking to vote for politicians who will most help advance my self-interest 6. In politics, people can never get everything they want. 
Life: 1. If you can't handle me at my WORST (eating peanut butter in my underwear sobbing), then you don't deserve me at my BEST (eating peanut butter in my underwear sobbing) 2. It's a Free Country, I ruin my life how I want! 3. Old, Fat, Poor, Tired, and Washed Up 4. I was jealous of the kids with the 120 crayons, but my cheap parents got me 16 and said, "For the colors that you don't have, you can make them." 5. Can you live in a screen like a fish lives in a container? 6. Why does life seem like an endless barrage of indignities? 
Observations: 1. Man will become like Woman, Woman will become like Man. 2. People occupy themselves with tech audiovisual illusions that are very cheap, but anything people actually need is unaffordable. 3. The Wealthy and The Welfare 4. If you don't write, it will just be thoughts in your head that no one else knows. 5. America is a place of many contradictions: of capitalism and free enterprise but liberalism and social welfare, of selfishness but volunteerism, of religious but secular, of limited government but a large federal one, of extravagant rich but many poor, of current optimism but future pessimism, and of hard work but different results. 

My Very Significant Short Story

Hi everyone, this may come as a bit of a shock like that surprise Beyoncé album, but I have been working on a short story in my semester sojourn. 

I have finished and published it since barriers of entry are so low that anyone can be a (self-)published author, and I have always wanted to commit time to write and publish something serious since I was a child. Eventually, I will be too busy working to have time to do something like this again. I want people to find their own meaning and be changed, hopefully for the better!

It is a postmodern satire called My Very Significant Short Story. A description can be found in the links.

Also, it's only $3! Check it out, take a chance, please spread the word especially if you enjoyed it, and *cough* buy a copy! It is available at all major eBook retailers.

Available
Amazon (+audiobook available)
X iBooks (+audiobook available)
X Nook
X Kobo

Back 2 School

After moving in my stuff and settling down to classes, I must post something witty and disparaging. Now that I have the exorbitant privilege of a refrigerator and no mandated meal plan, this means no more awkward wasted time at the dining hall and 1 hour plus food binges. Speaking of awkward, I managed to get 2 photos with our great President Joseph Aoun:


1/2


2/2

Con$idering that I am looking for co-op and have several new commitments this semester, I had to engineer a new diet and schedule worthy of the Mayans and their calendar.

The Joy of Rice
Sweet, white grains of jasmine rice! A rice cooker is a godsend to college students and can even be your only cooking utility, although I also bought a combo pan-pot thing from Amazon just in case.

When the rice begins to form and solidify, you can throw in your meat or "sides" as said in Cantonese to steam-pressure cook. This can include, for example, sausages and Chinese sausages. Best of all, you can save valuable time and eat pre-cooked rice! A miracle!


The ceremonial first rice of the semester. I am proud to eat this nutritious staple of my ancestors eaten even in the Qin dynasty.


My school convenience food pyramid

So far, I have infallibly eaten rice at every meal with a side, which makes me feel less tired than eating bread for some reason. You can even pair it with a two-serving Boloco bowl. I thought I reached new lows when I ate Boloco rice with rice, but talk about economical!




Let's do some sophisticated, high-level accounting. $1620/110 = $14.73 per meal swipe. Boloco bowl = $9.82. NO THANK YOU MEAL PLAN

Saying that the meal plan is not highway robbery is like saying fast food doesn't cause obesity.


Ready for the next nuclear attack


How about some tuna tartare? IS CANNED TUNA

I wonder if I will eat so much canned tuna, get mercury poisoning, and become a thermometer.

Incredibly Funny Professors
I had the amazing luck of getting a gaggle of funny professors this semester. Being tired increases the delirium and makes their jokes 2x funnier, and when I want to sleep in class (don't judge me, I study a lot outside of class anyways), I somehow start cracking up at their incredibly cheesy jokes.

For example, my mid-level accounting professor asked on the first day to ease the tension (but ended up creating more), "How do accountants get paid?" Student: "By providing a service." Professor: "Yes, that's right, just like a doctor. He tells you to pull down your pants, sticks a shot up your butt, and gets paid." (NO JOKE)

Now, my management information systems teacher is a true comedian, and the Boston accent helps. When he was concerned that the unusual two-tiered class schedule would mess with his SoulCycling class, he said, "I want to weigh as much as I did when I first started: 8 pounds, 9 ounces."

If my mouth could send text messages and emojis, LOL chat bubbles and Pusheens would be flooding out.

Venture to Bermuda and Bermuda (Video) Shorts

For the post about the cruise, please click here.

Tour Videos




Quick Reference
Maps that kept disappearing from the visitor's center (zoom in):


Front

Back

Great Bermuda attractions site, Wikipedia, and CIA World Factbook

Views Onboard
So, we finally arrived at tax haven Bermuda! Unfortunately, this was also during a very hot and humid period, so that greatly reduced the pleasure. I am an anomaly in that I don't really like traveling anymore, sorry (see cruise post).


The city of Hamilton


Catherine Zeta Jones's house is somewhere


Day 1 - Hamilton, the Only City in Bermuda and Near Heat Strokes
Since our grandma was slow, and the heat wasn't dry, we walked a few blocks before complaining and heading back to the ship. Still, we managed to see City Hall and target any places with strong air conditioning like the Bermuda Monetary Authority.


Woah, a clock!

Inscribed, RULES TO LIVE BY FOR ALL GOVERNMENTS AND PEOPLE

Urban development

Note: This is a post of epic length, and many are too unfocused to read anything in its entirety including myself on occasion, but I strongly suggest that you click read more anyways for better materials.


Cruise Chaos

See my post about Bermuda here.

The ship herself (himself? Check your privilege!)

My feelings on this cruise are more mixed and jumbled than my complimentary Bingo card with 4 four-ways each missing one number.


Disembarking Boston touristy photo


They always take 2!

After getting on-board, a natural instinct is to explore the man-made quarters of hedonism in all of its cheap art glory.


Baby catching fish


Atrium, ooooh. "And she's buying a stairway to heaven..."


Check out dat vase. "I'm all about that vase, bout that vase, no treble"


Meet my friend The Vase


This was a Holland America cruise (synonymous with tameness and old people) to Bermuda from Saturday, 7/4 to Saturday, 7/11. I believe I read some materials along the lines of, "If you want to stay up late and party, this is not the cruise for you." YES!

Here, there was a mandatory safety demonstration that interrupted my sampling of the buffet, forcing me to leave the food. At least, I took a picture of part of the Boston port's supply chain.


Cool

Note: This is a post of epic length, and many are too unfocused to read anything in its entirety including myself on occasion, but I strongly suggest that you click read more anyways for better materials.


I Wanted to Be Heath Ledger or Jackie Kennedy for Halloween

I didn't end up dressing as anything in 2014 besides myself, which is already pretty scary (haha!).

Many people imagine a good Heath Ledger costume as the Joker, but I wanted to be Heath Ledger from Brokeback Mountain since I happened to have a similar-looking cowboy jacket and was emotionally moved by the romance in the movie.

Friend's mash-up / artist rendering

Alternatively, visiting the beautifully nautical and architecturally interesting Kennedy Museum at UMass Boston only helped solidify my superficial fascination with the Kennedies. Then again, who isn't interested in the political family with the unfortunate Kennedy curse also taking JFK Jr. and Carolyn Bessette from the gossip rags?



I was intrigued by the character and many faces of Jackie Kennedy, who suffered tragedy but reemerged marrying Aristotle Onassis. A mysterious and elegant person hid behind the large sunglasses. Her voice is extremely delicate and soothing in her famous White House tour, probably belying many vulgar secrets and heartache during JFK's tenure. Why do so many historically important assassinations like MLK seem like impromptu and incomplete stories?



After someone asked my reasoning behind why I wanted such an unusual costume, my joking words spilled out: "I wanted to be the epitome of grace, elegance, and poise." This was in reference to the late Jackie O.


I played an obscure children's trading card game in middle school, and an extremely overpowered character named Jackie Cr provided some influence.

Northeastern Memories: Smokers

The sign in question

When I started Northeastern as a curious newbie, the weather was above 60 degrees, Floyd Mayweather didn't beat Manny Pacquiao, and the royals didn't have a baby yet. However, a curious sight of crowds of smokers, many of whom appeared international since cigarettes aren't as "in" around the U.S., congregated in front of the Dodge Hall business building and Krentzman Quad ironically, flagrantly, openly, and hostilely in opposition to a poorly placed "no smoking" sign. I actually enjoyed their cafe atmosphere of socializing, de-stressing, and unwinding as long as I didn't get too caught in the crossfire of second-hand smoke.


Smoking plaza

It felt like we, puffers and passersby, were all busy and occupied by group projects, case studies, and the like. I wondered both how stress-relieving nicotine can be as I don't smoke and whether I'll see the throngs of smokers again next semester. Hopefully, I will for the nostalgia and visual interest of clothing-coordinated people who wore lots of Moncler and Canada Goose when the weather became chilly but not too snowy that they had to stop smoking and mysteriously burrow back like groundhogs.

Out of curiosity, I also asked my roommate why so many business students smoked. My roommate joked cynically, "It's because business students' lives are so empty," which made me give a, "Hmm..." since we're majoring in business, and I wondered if accounting is futile (only wondered! This is not reality. I'm sure many people like net income, auditing, and taxation!).

The reverse psychology and appeal of norm violation can be seen in this humorous YouTube video shown in international business class where Italians supposedly do everything wrong compared to Europeans:


I guess you could replace EU citizens and Italians with any group and subgroup of people

The specific reference to smoking around a "no smoking" sign strangely reminded me of how few people use the closed smoking booths at Logan Airport as if being trapped in your own smoke and adopting the smell are worse than the lungs directly inhaling it. 

If I see smokers again in September, they will give me that warm, fuzzy back-to-school feeling!

I Wanted to Stick My Hand in Dirt


Since I dutifully skim Northeastern's daily e-newsletter that clogs many people's emails, I saw an article linked to the New York Times about beneficial microbes in dirt as the chain of recent newsletters focused on bacteria research. This was near the innately stressful finals week. This was also near when Facebook thankfully informed me that it was World Naked Gardening Day.

Beam me up, sun!

Since I was a prim person in my childhood, I was afraid of getting dirty when "playing" (standing) in the grass at the park or if bugs, particularly ants, would get into weird places. I still feel that I, as a rational person, don't want to get my clothes dirty and sit on the grass, although part of me wants to if laundry wasn't such a hassle.

Anyways, since exams lingered on my mind even though I didn't want them to and didn't study much, I strongly felt that hippie nature would be a much needed boost to my immune system like a completely organic Emergen-C, which I never drank before. Therefore, I saw a big ceramic pot of earthy brown dirt that I wanted to stick my hand in to feel the nutrients. However, I didn't do this at the last minute since I was afraid of strangers seeing and judging me in the unusual act of molesting the dirt.



Now, it's easy to say, "You should have done it" when reading this on the Internet, but imagine if you were in my position of desperately seeking microbes and students were passing by to see an Asian guy with his hand in a pot of dirt. That would be awkward. Sometimes thoughts spring out of an OCD, but I really felt that my body would feel good with my hand touching nature.

Please Take at Your Leisure : )

What goodies are inside Pandora's box?

It's move-out season, and I think what's left in the "Please Take at Your Leisure : )" box at Kennedy Hall illustrates the desperation. Initially, there were garbage bags for packing, but those were all taken like they were free handbags on Oprah. This is, truly, the tragedy of the commons.

Let's look at what's left from donors and benefactors: silica gel, gluten-free rice cakes, a ketchup pack, peanut butter from our room, and an empty bag of beef jerky. The last one requires a, "Seriously?" as the donor was probably too lazy to walk a few more steps to the basement trash cans, or someone ate it all in cold blood. Truthfully, I would be irrationally afraid of eating that and the big tinfoil loaf labeled "Panera Bread" that was eventually taken. I also considered taking all the exotic Lipton teas, but I was wary of the sugary ingredients. Later, they were gone.

Clearly, I am not asking for better freebies but merely musing on economics and the transitivity of life through a cardboard box of invalids and half-disposables. Would you like some silica gel with your gluten-free rice cakes and peanut butter?

The joy of cleaning my dorm

"Beast Mode" - Turn Off Animations in Windows 8 and Android

She turned off animations.

If you are a free spirit who flies like a hummingbird and don't want to be encumbered by animations or suffer motion sickness from badly-rendered 3D, then consider turning off animations in your Windows 8 and Android.

Windows 8
For Windows 8, there are two components to turn off animations. First, I think it is more convenient to use the search shortcut Windows+S rather than swiping manically with the mouse or touchscreen and searching for "PC settings." Open the Metro "PC settings" app version, and go to "Ease of Access." Go to "Other options," and turn "Play animations in Windows" off.



Next, search (Windows+S) "View advanced system settings," and click on "Settings..." under "Performance" to get to Visual Effects. Here are my minimal preferred settings that I find provide the least frictional issues.

Android
For Android, here is a more complete guide by How-To Geek. Basically, if Developer Options aren't available, activate them by going to "About Device," and keep tapping "Build Number" until they appear. Then, in Developer Options, turn off "Window animation scale," "Transition animation scale," and "Animator duration scale."



It may take some adjustment to what now seems like a jerky lack of motions, but you'll probably find your productivity, battery life, and Sonic the Hedgehog need-for-speed aided.

The Angsty College Student's Guide to LinkedIn Registration

The 6 emotions you're supposed to get when using LinkedIn. 6 is also indicative of 666, aka the Devil.

Like vegetables or dentist appointments, LinkedIn is one of those things certain people need to have but do not necessarily want. It has about as many useful or interesting functions as a toaster does for banana bread (getting a job), and this is coming from a business student who's supposed to love it! However, I am not a LinkedIn expert.

It fills the role as the annoying middleman like the troll living under the bridge. Then again, I'm only so cynical now because I see opening and maintaining an account as a chore. Clearly, LinkedIn is not as sexy as Snapchat or even Facebook, but it can be very useful for pre-professionals after some major caveats.

Registration
Enter and give your data to "the man." You've already created so many mandatory accounts that your data is like an Internet Horcrux now. I skipped almost everything after because you can backtrack and fill it in when you're not on the spot and understand the beast better.

Turn Off All Emails
This is important if you don't want the displeasure of receiving over 9000 emails. Luckily, I don't get harassed and especially not by people whom I want to harass me like 50 Shades of Grey. I turned all the emails off before even receiving one as I did not want the deluge from Noah's Ark. Go to Profile->Privacy & Settings->Communications for most of the toggles.

LinkedIn Premium
I'm sure that there is nothing else that college students would rather spend $30 a month on. Don't get it unless you need it, which implies that you are already high in the professional pecking order.

Max Privacy Settings
I'm a human, not a lab monkey, so I don't want to participate in your research. Go to Profile->Privacy & Settings and turn off everything you can/want to.

Stalking Mode
Source: Buzzfeed 

Something that is both creepy and a turn-on is that you can see who viewed your profile and others can see when you viewed theirs. To go incognito like Carmen Sandiego and avoid awkward relationships, you can disable this feature briefly for the period of stalking and turn it back on after you are done to receive profile stats again. Go to Profile->Privacy & Settings->"Select what others see when you've viewed their profile" and chose among the bottom 2 options. Honestly, LinkedIn is not fun to stalk because you only see clean-cut versions unless you want the juicy details of someone's GPA. Don't forget to turn it back to "Your name and headline" if you want stats again!

These are quick "pro" tips (lol) for getting set up, after which you are free to explore the professional jungle where dreams are made of. When you're done working on your profile, consider putting LinkedIn in your bookmarks and downloading the app.

ASNS2245, Cultural Awareness, Dragon Ladies, and Defense Against the Dark Arts

My open note materials

After taking the final exam at the lovely 8:00 AM time slot on 4/28/15, I would like to reminisce on probably the most culturally relevant filler class I've ever taken for a level 2 elective. My knowledge of Asian Americans expanded deeply by actually doing all the mandatory readings at the gym.

I feel much more culturally aware but not quite liberated and especially not liberated from debits and credits. However, I must admit my skepticism of academic subjects like the Asian-American experience due to reading too much from academics with too much time who think too much and rarely apply real, lasting, and prominent practice beyond radical eras like the 60s. Still, the class discussed many important and thought-provoking sociological questions.

Anna May Wong, the stereotypical Dragon Lady

To me, the most funny, memorable, and extreme stereotypes were of Dragon Ladies and Fu Manchu. From "Ideological Racism and Cultural Resistance" by Yen Le Espiritu (91) referencing Frank Chin and Jeffrey Chan (60, 1972): "Dr. Fu, a man wearing a long dress, batting his eyelashes, surrounded by muscular black servants in loin cloths, and with his habit of caressingly touching white men on the leg, wrist, and face with his long fingernails is not so much a threat as he is a frivolous offense to white manhood."

However, my unabashed skepticism is related to a potentially sad conclusion. Slightly late in packing up my materials, I overheard another student asking the professor about his future plans. He said he didn't know if Northeastern will offer this class again, to which I remarked in my trademark aloofness, "Is this class like Defense Against the Dark Arts where they change the class and teacher every year?" We all laughed awkwardly. 

I hope they continue this class, but I unfortunately don't have time to protest in solidarity with my Asian brothers and sisters. I'm also a little like a passive Asian who doesn't cause agitation except for with LinkedIn. This will probably not be my last post about Asian America similarly to my multiple references to Blade Runner.

My Obsession with Blade Runner


In the past, I tended to become obsessed with things like obscure animes and Sonic the Hedgehog. I've seen things you people wouldn't believe, and that includes Roy Batty's famous monologue in Blade Runner.

In the first semester at Northeastern, I took RELS1260 or apocalypticism in film for a humanities requirement. It seems that classes least related to accounting and finance make for the best writing material!

What seemed like a weekly movie night also had profound discussions and an impactful final speech, though I accidentally compared the lectures that a few students found boring to attending church especially due to the religious and philosophical content. (I did not find the class boring.) This class had a lasting impact that I embody in the mystique of Blade Runner.

My obsession led me to rewatch the movie twice and annoyingly recommend it to everyone. I also started spontaneously saying quotes when fitting, playing "Blade Runner Blues" and the soundtrack, and replaying key scenes and trailers on YouTube. The futuristic neo-noir ambiance is incredible especially considering its futuristic predictions from the 80s.


Night in Boston

Matching my first semester busyness and occasional dreariness, the Boston landscape started to look like the world of 2019 Los Angeles with the rainy nights, faceless crowds, and glowing buildings like the Prudential. Most touching and relevant to Northeastern, crossing Huntington Avenue and avoiding getting killed by a Mini Cooper created haunting echoes of the traffic light, "Cross now... Cross now..." when Deckard tries to assassinate Zhora. I am also strongly reminded of neon drenched cities in China with their huge populations and occasional rainy/smoggy gloom. 

I also considered buying an awesome LED Blade Runner umbrella as a testament to my fanboying. Maybe this article will reveal some insight into my, for better or for worse, obsessive pathologies. I discuss my Blade Runner project in part 1 and part 2.


Futurism in Scooby-Doo

I don't actively go looking for trends like a biologist goes looking for mutated animals, but I realized almost a decade later that there are futuristic elements in direct-to-video cult classic (at least, in my cult) Scooby-Doo and the Cyber Chase.

There is virtual reality like Oculus Rift, which can engulf parts of human existence in the far future. Scooby Snax are reminiscent of soma in Brave New World, a generally coveted feel-good drug that can alter perceptions of existence. I don't fully recall the plot of the movie, but it falls into the many interesting futuristic visions before the advent of smartphones and iPads.

Ode to Windows

Having been a Windows user since Windows 98, I find an ode appropriate to a lifeless technology that commands us, the panes of windows remaining open until completed and closed, the industrial nature of being compartmentalized to a laptop, and the oppressive clock in the bottom-right corner that makes apparent the high engineering for productivity. Windows 98 had a beautiful grayscale. Of course, I'm only this cynical when I've been at the library for too long!