Showing posts with label Humor. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Humor. Show all posts

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Best Writings

Collected here for when I stop someday. 
Politics: 1. Voting Democrat or Republican lets you choose how you're going to be miserable 2. Like a skilled politician, I will promise you everything, and give you almost nothing. 3. <> 4. I would like to thank Washington, D.C., for making sure to collect every penny, and that it is spent wisely. 5. Looking to vote for politicians who will most help advance my self-interest 6. In politics, people can never get everything they want. 
Life: 1. If you can't handle me at my WORST (eating peanut butter in my underwear sobbing), then you don't deserve me at my BEST (eating peanut butter in my underwear sobbing) 2. It's a Free Country, I ruin my life how I want! 3. Old, Fat, Poor, Tired, and Washed Up 4. I was jealous of the kids with the 120 crayons, but my cheap parents got me 16 and said, "For the colors that you don't have, you can make them." 5. Can you live in a screen like a fish lives in a container? 6. Why does life seem like an endless barrage of indignities? 
Observations: 1. Man will become like Woman, Woman will become like Man. 2. People occupy themselves with tech audiovisual illusions that are very cheap, but anything people actually need is unaffordable. 3. The Wealthy and The Welfare 4. If you don't write, it will just be thoughts in your head that no one else knows. 5. America is a place of many contradictions: of capitalism and free enterprise but liberalism and social welfare, of selfishness but volunteerism, of religious but secular, of limited government but a large federal one, of extravagant rich but many poor, of current optimism but future pessimism, and of hard work but different results. 

My Very Significant Short Story

Hi everyone, this may come as a bit of a shock like that surprise Beyoncé album, but I have been working on a short story in my semester sojourn. 

I have finished and published it since barriers of entry are so low that anyone can be a (self-)published author, and I have always wanted to commit time to write and publish something serious since I was a child. Eventually, I will be too busy working to have time to do something like this again. I want people to find their own meaning and be changed, hopefully for the better!

It is a postmodern satire called My Very Significant Short Story. A description can be found in the links.

Also, it's only $3! Check it out, take a chance, please spread the word especially if you enjoyed it, and *cough* buy a copy! It is available at all major eBook retailers.

Available
Amazon (+audiobook available)
X iBooks (+audiobook available)
X Nook
X Kobo

Back 2 School

After moving in my stuff and settling down to classes, I must post something witty and disparaging. Now that I have the exorbitant privilege of a refrigerator and no mandated meal plan, this means no more awkward wasted time at the dining hall and 1 hour plus food binges. Speaking of awkward, I managed to get 2 photos with our great President Joseph Aoun:


1/2


2/2

Con$idering that I am looking for co-op and have several new commitments this semester, I had to engineer a new diet and schedule worthy of the Mayans and their calendar.

The Joy of Rice
Sweet, white grains of jasmine rice! A rice cooker is a godsend to college students and can even be your only cooking utility, although I also bought a combo pan-pot thing from Amazon just in case.

When the rice begins to form and solidify, you can throw in your meat or "sides" as said in Cantonese to steam-pressure cook. This can include, for example, sausages and Chinese sausages. Best of all, you can save valuable time and eat pre-cooked rice! A miracle!


The ceremonial first rice of the semester. I am proud to eat this nutritious staple of my ancestors eaten even in the Qin dynasty.


My school convenience food pyramid

So far, I have infallibly eaten rice at every meal with a side, which makes me feel less tired than eating bread for some reason. You can even pair it with a two-serving Boloco bowl. I thought I reached new lows when I ate Boloco rice with rice, but talk about economical!




Let's do some sophisticated, high-level accounting. $1620/110 = $14.73 per meal swipe. Boloco bowl = $9.82. NO THANK YOU MEAL PLAN

Saying that the meal plan is not highway robbery is like saying fast food doesn't cause obesity.


Ready for the next nuclear attack


How about some tuna tartare? IS CANNED TUNA

I wonder if I will eat so much canned tuna, get mercury poisoning, and become a thermometer.

Incredibly Funny Professors
I had the amazing luck of getting a gaggle of funny professors this semester. Being tired increases the delirium and makes their jokes 2x funnier, and when I want to sleep in class (don't judge me, I study a lot outside of class anyways), I somehow start cracking up at their incredibly cheesy jokes.

For example, my mid-level accounting professor asked on the first day to ease the tension (but ended up creating more), "How do accountants get paid?" Student: "By providing a service." Professor: "Yes, that's right, just like a doctor. He tells you to pull down your pants, sticks a shot up your butt, and gets paid." (NO JOKE)

Now, my management information systems teacher is a true comedian, and the Boston accent helps. When he was concerned that the unusual two-tiered class schedule would mess with his SoulCycling class, he said, "I want to weigh as much as I did when I first started: 8 pounds, 9 ounces."

If my mouth could send text messages and emojis, LOL chat bubbles and Pusheens would be flooding out.

Venture to Bermuda and Bermuda (Video) Shorts

For the post about the cruise, please click here.

Tour Videos




Quick Reference
Maps that kept disappearing from the visitor's center (zoom in):


Front

Back

Great Bermuda attractions site, Wikipedia, and CIA World Factbook

Views Onboard
So, we finally arrived at tax haven Bermuda! Unfortunately, this was also during a very hot and humid period, so that greatly reduced the pleasure. I am an anomaly in that I don't really like traveling anymore, sorry (see cruise post).


The city of Hamilton


Catherine Zeta Jones's house is somewhere


Day 1 - Hamilton, the Only City in Bermuda and Near Heat Strokes
Since our grandma was slow, and the heat wasn't dry, we walked a few blocks before complaining and heading back to the ship. Still, we managed to see City Hall and target any places with strong air conditioning like the Bermuda Monetary Authority.


Woah, a clock!

Inscribed, RULES TO LIVE BY FOR ALL GOVERNMENTS AND PEOPLE

Urban development

Note: This is a post of epic length, and many are too unfocused to read anything in its entirety including myself on occasion, but I strongly suggest that you click read more anyways for better materials.


Cruise Chaos

See my post about Bermuda here.

The ship herself (himself? Check your privilege!)

My feelings on this cruise are more mixed and jumbled than my complimentary Bingo card with 4 four-ways each missing one number.


Disembarking Boston touristy photo


They always take 2!

After getting on-board, a natural instinct is to explore the man-made quarters of hedonism in all of its cheap art glory.


Baby catching fish


Atrium, ooooh. "And she's buying a stairway to heaven..."


Check out dat vase. "I'm all about that vase, bout that vase, no treble"


Meet my friend The Vase


This was a Holland America cruise (synonymous with tameness and old people) to Bermuda from Saturday, 7/4 to Saturday, 7/11. I believe I read some materials along the lines of, "If you want to stay up late and party, this is not the cruise for you." YES!

Here, there was a mandatory safety demonstration that interrupted my sampling of the buffet, forcing me to leave the food. At least, I took a picture of part of the Boston port's supply chain.


Cool

Note: This is a post of epic length, and many are too unfocused to read anything in its entirety including myself on occasion, but I strongly suggest that you click read more anyways for better materials.


I Wanted to Be Heath Ledger or Jackie Kennedy for Halloween

I didn't end up dressing as anything in 2014 besides myself, which is already pretty scary (haha!).

Many people imagine a good Heath Ledger costume as the Joker, but I wanted to be Heath Ledger from Brokeback Mountain since I happened to have a similar-looking cowboy jacket and was emotionally moved by the romance in the movie.

Friend's mash-up / artist rendering

Alternatively, visiting the beautifully nautical and architecturally interesting Kennedy Museum at UMass Boston only helped solidify my superficial fascination with the Kennedies. Then again, who isn't interested in the political family with the unfortunate Kennedy curse also taking JFK Jr. and Carolyn Bessette from the gossip rags?



I was intrigued by the character and many faces of Jackie Kennedy, who suffered tragedy but reemerged marrying Aristotle Onassis. A mysterious and elegant person hid behind the large sunglasses. Her voice is extremely delicate and soothing in her famous White House tour, probably belying many vulgar secrets and heartache during JFK's tenure. Why do so many historically important assassinations like MLK seem like impromptu and incomplete stories?



After someone asked my reasoning behind why I wanted such an unusual costume, my joking words spilled out: "I wanted to be the epitome of grace, elegance, and poise." This was in reference to the late Jackie O.


I played an obscure children's trading card game in middle school, and an extremely overpowered character named Jackie Cr provided some influence.

Northeastern Memories: Smokers

The sign in question

When I started Northeastern as a curious newbie, the weather was above 60 degrees, Floyd Mayweather didn't beat Manny Pacquiao, and the royals didn't have a baby yet. However, a curious sight of crowds of smokers, many of whom appeared international since cigarettes aren't as "in" around the U.S., congregated in front of the Dodge Hall business building and Krentzman Quad ironically, flagrantly, openly, and hostilely in opposition to a poorly placed "no smoking" sign. I actually enjoyed their cafe atmosphere of socializing, de-stressing, and unwinding as long as I didn't get too caught in the crossfire of second-hand smoke.


Smoking plaza

It felt like we, puffers and passersby, were all busy and occupied by group projects, case studies, and the like. I wondered both how stress-relieving nicotine can be as I don't smoke and whether I'll see the throngs of smokers again next semester. Hopefully, I will for the nostalgia and visual interest of clothing-coordinated people who wore lots of Moncler and Canada Goose when the weather became chilly but not too snowy that they had to stop smoking and mysteriously burrow back like groundhogs.

Out of curiosity, I also asked my roommate why so many business students smoked. My roommate joked cynically, "It's because business students' lives are so empty," which made me give a, "Hmm..." since we're majoring in business, and I wondered if accounting is futile (only wondered! This is not reality. I'm sure many people like net income, auditing, and taxation!).

The reverse psychology and appeal of norm violation can be seen in this humorous YouTube video shown in international business class where Italians supposedly do everything wrong compared to Europeans:


I guess you could replace EU citizens and Italians with any group and subgroup of people

The specific reference to smoking around a "no smoking" sign strangely reminded me of how few people use the closed smoking booths at Logan Airport as if being trapped in your own smoke and adopting the smell are worse than the lungs directly inhaling it. 

If I see smokers again in September, they will give me that warm, fuzzy back-to-school feeling!